Big Pharma will kick your ass and steal your money.
Pharmacles Shmeep was born in 1973 in the office bathroom of the Royal Gopher Trailer Court in Castle Rock, WA. He was a problem child, in and out of the county juvenile detention hall a dozen times before the age of two. He was given a tattoo of an exploding raccoon by his mother’s fifth husband as soon as he completed the third grade (at the age of twelve), and Shmeep took this as a sign that he could leave school and seek his fortune elsewhere.
He worked at hundreds of jobs throughout his teen years, including time spent as a smuggler, blackmail artist, and crash test dummy at a cattle ranch, before taking a part time position as a bouncer at Skidmore’s Saloon, a seedy biker-bar in Kelso, WA. This three year period is when the name “Big Pharma” was originally applied to Shmeep, and it is a monicker that has followed him ever since. (He was eventually fired from Skidmore’s, and charged with first degree assault, when he got drunk on the job one night and tried to force the owner of the bar, Frank Skidmore, to eat an entire bar-stool in one bite.)
Shmeep never married, but has been in a long-term relationship with Loretta “Hiss” Hendrix for the last twelve years. Hendrix is a freelance tattoo artist and semi-professional arm wrestler. Since their relationship began, Shmeep has fathered 71 children by other women, all but two of them with Hendrix’s permission.
Pharmacles “Big Pharma” Shmeep is currently wanted by the police and state authorities for a number of offenses, including attempting to inflate a preacher with a tire pump, postage stamp fraud, gnawing off the legs of the County Coroner, and back alley squirrel fighting. Citizens are warned to stay clear of Shmeep, as he has been known to be unpredictable and frequently violent. He has been seen juggling live hand grenades, using a microwave oven to shave with, and once bit the head off a live rhino. A reward is available for any information on the current whereabouts of Shmeep, if that information should lead to his capture.
—Richard F. Yates (in conjunction with the Washington State Bureau of Tattling on Naughty Persons)